Bad dates are good material.

We met for lunch and he kept going on about how fed up he was with living with his parents (he’s 40 and unemployed). He then informed me that I shouldn’t be worried about his prospects–he would be ready to move out in a few months. And how was he planning to pay for this supposed big move with no job? With the profit he planned to make from the marijuana crop he’s growing! He said he expected to make about 10 grand, and that he does this every year, and it’s no big deal. I told him that was weird and illegal, and that I wanted no part of it. After which he became sulky and wouldn’t finish his lunch.

In his online dating profile, he said he was 5′6″. Once he arrived at my favorite place, a tea house, I realized he was maybe that tall if he borrowed my heels. On email, he’d said he’d love to meet at this tea house, but when we arrived he said he hated tea and asked the waitress if they had beer (it was 11am, and they didn’t). I then ordered my favorite meal, which is their homemade sausage, and he told me he could “see the fat globules in it” so he didn’t understand how I could enjoy it. He worked in statistics, and I told him I’d taken it in college. He started demanding that I tell him the quadratic formula. I said I didn’t remember it because stats was so impossible, and then I tried to change the subject, which is when he talked over me to recite the entire equation.

My date started off well, since he looked like the rapper Common (on that basis alone I was willing to overlook the fact he showed up 40 minutes late). After we ordered, I admitted I don’t exercise often, but to make up for that, I’m careful with what I eat. He responded, “It’s a good thing you don’t mind being fat.” The worst part was that he honestly thought he was being encouraging.

We hit it off, so I said I’d watch a movie at his apartment. A few minutes into it, I realized I was not interested in him and just wanted to go home. After his numerous attempts to try and kiss me (and me telling him it wasn’t going to happen), I asked if he could bring me home. He said he was too drunk to drive and that I should just spend the night. I may have considered sleeping on a couch, but his apartment was a studio so that wasn’t an option. He informed me that he sleeps naked; then he then stripped down and hopped into bed. I walked out and called a cab.

I had been talking to this guy online for awhile, and he seemed really into me. I was spending the weekend house sitting for a friend who lived near him, so I suggested that we meet up for coffee or a drink, but told him that first I had to run back to my place to get something I’d forgotten. He offered to pick me up and take me there, which I thought was nice of him. On the drive there, he was weaving in and out of his lane and speeding, and when I made a nervous comment, he confessed that he’d had a “few beers” before he arrived. By the time we got back, the coffeeshop we’d intended on going to was closed, so I suggested that we go instead to the restaurant/bar across the street. He then said, “You have a way home, right? Because I’m going to want to drink more and I’ll be taking a cab.” At this point, I said that perhaps he should just drop me off. He did, and then was upset that I wouldn’t invite him up or give him a kiss goodnight.

I had been chatting with a guy online and our attempts to meet kept running into scheduling problems, so I was excited when he texted me one evening that he was at a local bar and I should come by, since I happened to be free. I walk in and spot the guy–he’s wearing a fedora and and he’s up to his elbows in a huge platter of chicken wings. Without even looking up from eating, he offers me some wings. No thanks. I order a glass of water. I stand there for a few minutes while he’s hoovering up the wings and ignoring me….then I say, “Um, you know, it’s actually kind of late and I’m just gonna go on home.” Again, doesn’t even look up but says, “OK, see ya!” The next day he texted me to say, “I’m so glad we met….want to get together again?”

The guy I’d been talking to online emailed me on Friday to set up our date for the next morning–he suggested meeting at 11am at a neighborhood coffee shop. I was about to leave to meet him when I turned on my phone–he’d texted me at 3am saying he stayed out late drinking and would need me to call him in the morning–he’d set his ringer on loud–to wake him up or else he would “sleep all afternoon.” I actually called him (it was 10 min before we were supposed to meet) and he answered all groggy and said he was awake but was lying in bed watching TV. I decided to cancel–our first conversation was me waking him up like I was his mom!

He showed up with a great idea: me, him, cheese and a bottle of wine at a park. One hour-long drive later we arrive and while he’s remembered the wine and fancy blanket, he’s forgotten the bottle opener. We have no chemistry (maybe the wine would’ve helped) so we leave. On the drive back, a cat darts in front of the car and we hit it. Then I get really upset because I have to CONVINCE him to stop and check on it.

When I arrived on time at the bar we agreed to meet at, the bartender informed me my date had already been there for 3 hours. To make conversation, I told my date that my hobby is running; he called me “a jackass.” I mentioned my favorite band; he said, “you’re an idiot” and gave me the finger. Okayyyy, great conversationalist. Not long into the date, he admitted that he was an alcoholic and repeatedly tried to grab me. I left to walk to my car and cringed as he walked into traffic, making cars swerve and honk at him as the rest of the bar watched in horror.

We’re trying something new today: a worst-case-scenario video date, via Funny or Die.
\"How to End A Date\"