Bad dates are good material.

He spends the entire dinner telling me exactly how much money he makes, obsessing about our age difference (12 years), and then topped it off by saying that he closed his account to our mutual online dating service “as a compliment” to me (a little premature buddy–it’s our first date!). Then he invites me to spend the week with him in Hawaii when he goes for a conference in two days, then tells me about a $1500 bottle of Cognac at his house that “we will drink and then you can go home.” I finally manage to extricate myself without going home with him, but there is an email in my inbox when I arrive reiterating the Hawaii invitation.

He’s twenty minutes late and when he arrives, he insists on dining at one of the outdoor tables, even though I point out that it’s sixty degrees and I’m wearing spaghetti straps. Within moments of sitting down, he asks why I don’t have kids. He then tells me his sperm count and adds, “If you want to be a mother, I can help with that.” I bail early but but the time I get home, I already have an email from him, complete with an attachment containing the results of his latest physical.

After dinner, he excuses himself to go to the bathroom, and I wait…and wait and wait. He finally comes back, and I ask if he’s ok; he says he’s fine. We head back to my apartment to hang out and he goes to the bathroom again. I wait and wait and wait again. He finally comes out and I ask him if he’s all right. He says he is. After he left, I discovered the wads and wads of toilet paper shoved in the corner, I guess because he was too embarrassed to flush the toilet over and over? Of course I never called him again.

We went to a hockey game, where I had quite a few drinks, and then out to dinner. When we got back to his house, I threw up all over his floor, and then I peed myself. I have never been more mortified, especially because I drink often and I’ve never lost bladder control. So while he kindly cleaned everything up, I swore at him and accused him of drugging me, since that was OBVIOUSLY the only reason I could come up with for embarrassing myself so much.

While driving me to dinner, he took three phone calls back to back and ignored me. He kept bragging about how lucky I was he decided to go out with me that night as everyone was dying to have him show up at their clubs and parties. We got to the quiet bistro, and he couldn’t seem to get the waiter’s attention, so he yelled “YO!”, startling everyone, me included. He told the waiter we were ignored because we were black. He pulled the race card on a black waiter! Then he took three more calls over dinner. At the end of the night, I was dying to escape, and he told me again how lucky I was that he’d toned down his ego to a level 3, as he’s usually a level 10.

We immediately hit it off–he was funny, intelligent, and fairly cute. After dinner, we began kissing in his living room. When he tried to take it further, I made it clear that I wasn’t ready. In response, he immediately unzipped his pants, whipped it out, and began furiously masturbating in front of me.

I had my eye on this guy for a long time, and I was sooo happy when he finally asked me out. He took me to a romantic restaurant, and I thought the date went well. Afterward we were making out in his car outside my apartment when he said that it had been fun, and he knew that I liked him, but he wouldn’t be asking me out again…because he had a big crush on this Chinese guy at his office.

We went back to his house and started kissing. Then we were just lying in bed enjoying pillow talk when he started randomly pinching the skin of my elbow and twisting it–hard. I asked what he was doing and he said he has always done that to whomever he shares his bed with, and then gave the example “You know, like my mom and my sisters.”

Before our movie started, he told me he’d had only one relationship and she dumped him, leaving him so heartbroken he tried to kill himself. Halfway through the movie, he kept putting his hand on my leg, and I’d move it and he’d put it back. Then I was waiting for the bus home, and he decided to wait with me so he could show me every single photo in his phone, describing everyone in them and where they were taken. Then he put in his headphones and started listening to his MP3 player. I bumped into him in a club a few weeks later and he threw things at me and left in a tantrum!

We met for lunch and he kept going on about how fed up he was with living with his parents (he’s 40 and unemployed). He then informed me that I shouldn’t be worried about his prospects–he would be ready to move out in a few months. And how was he planning to pay for this supposed big move with no job? With the profit he planned to make from the marijuana crop he’s growing! He said he expected to make about 10 grand, and that he does this every year, and it’s no big deal. I told him that was weird and illegal, and that I wanted no part of it. After which he became sulky and wouldn’t finish his lunch.