Needy Ned

March 8th, 2012

I met him online and liked him, but I knew something was off when I heard his suggestions for our first date: sky driving, going away to the mountains for the weekend, going for a helicopter ride, etc. I suggested we grab a bite downtown. When he picked me up, I got into his car and all he said to me was, “So, your place or mine? We can go to mine but I think my Mom might still be up.” (He was 29.) I left early and he text me the next morning saying that I needed to “be more attentive to his needs.”

She’ll Be “Engaged” Next Week

March 6th, 2012

I met this guy at a zombie event that my friend took me to, and he asked for my number I. Three days after we started talking, he asked me to the movies. He said it wasn’t a date and that we should both invite friends; I agreed. I ended up not being able to go. Yesterday, I went to another zombie party, and everyone there kept referring to me as his girlfriend! He’d told everyone we were exclusive.

His Greatest Role: Normal Guy

March 5th, 2012

I met a guy who I had some mutual friends with, and he invited me over to his house, saying they were going to join us. At his place, he started going on about these crazy “adventures” that he’d been on that sounded like something out of an action movie. When I asked him what on earth he was talking about, he told me he was referring to things that his “character” had done in that “Vampire the Masquerade” role playing card game. Keep in mind the guy was 34 years old! He then went to his bedroom and came out with all these cards, t-shirts and costumes that he and his friends would wear while acting out the game. Not just role playing, but getting in capes with fake swords and the whole thing. I just sat there wondering when our friends would show up. He took his “collection” back into the bedroom, and when he returned to the living room, he was naked except for the cape! He then confessed that our friends were not coming at all and he’d lied to get me there. I grabbed my purse and jacket and ran for the door. He chased after me, cape flying out behind him, yelling, “Can’t we just hook up?! You came all the way over here, why not?! Please?!!?”

Late Because He’s Depressed?

February 28th, 2012

He called at the time he was supposed to pick me up to say he would be late. An hour and a half later, he showed up, but by then we had missed the movie we were going to see. So he says he knows this great little restaurant, which turns out to be a dingy bar in the basement of a hotel. We ordered (bad) food that arrived on dirty plates, and while we were eating, he explained that he used to be on anti-depressants but that it gave him erectile dysfunction. (Depressed or impotent…way to sell yourself, dude.)

The Case of The Missing Tooth

February 28th, 2012

I went out to dinner with a guy and we ordered spinach dip…he found a tooth in the dip (yes, a TOOTH). My date complained, of course, and the manager apologized continuously, then comp’d the meal and gave my date a gift card to use later as consolation. Me and the date get back in his car, and he starts laughing…and confesses it was his tooth that he put in the dip because he wanted to get the meal free!!! So many things wrong with that picture…ethically, sure, but also, why did he have a spare tooth lying around?

Hobo Hugh Grant

February 27th, 2012

He was late. He didn’t look like his picture (he said his hair had longer, “kind of like Hugh Grant.” Yeah, if HG was a hobo who didn’t shower…). So far, so blah. First, we went to an awful, scary bar because they did “really cheap beers.” Then we had to leave there and go to a pub in a freezing cold train station because “it’s cheaper.” He had grey teeth and kept leaving to go for a cigarette, in between drinking from my drink. He asked what size shoe I wear, because apparently I have “really big feet for a girl.” He expressed disappointment that I wasn’t more “touchy feely” as I shrank into the corner of the sofa to avoid his cigarette breath. He compared me unfavorably to other dates (“I usually get more contact. You’re being unusual.”), boasted that his shoes cost two dollars and then told me he was about to lose his job because he’d taken too many sick days for the boils on his ass. BOILS! ASS! I left and he texted me about how uncomfortable I’d made him and how my future would not involve him. My response? “Ditto.”

Dating Isn’t Rocket Science

January 18th, 2012

He was an astronautic engineer enrolled in a prestigious Doctoral program, but also a complete idiot. He would not shut up, and he spoke so fast it was like being on a date with an auctioneer. Also, he could not stop staring at my chest; he made virtually no eye contact with me. I finally got angry and blurted out, “Will you PLEASE stop staring at my boobs?” You will not believe how he responded: he actually got all pissy with me and said, “Well, men are visual creatures and your breasts are disproportionately larger than the rest of your body. So you really can’t get mad at me for staring at them.”

A Bad Preview

January 18th, 2012

We go to the movies, and once it gets dark, it gets awkward. First, he decides that he wants to hold my hand, but instead of asking, he says: “You should hold my hand.” I don’t, so he grabs my hand anyway and places it in his lap and begins rubbing up and down my arm. I eventually manage to squirm my hand out of his crotch-area he lets go of my hand, so I’m monetarily relieved. That is, until his hand is suddenly on my lower back, under my shirt. I squirm away from that but then he begins rubbing his hands up and down my side. By now, I’m way past uncomfortable. I remove his hand and bolt to my car.

Nothing Like A West-Coke Party

January 11th, 2012

Thirty minutes before we’re supposed to meet he tells me his car broke down, so I go and pick him up. Once he gets in, he tells me he can’t take me out to dinner because he needed his cash to fix his car–but that we can eat for free at a barbecue at his friend’s house. Fine by me, but we get there, and it turns out his “friend” is a big-time coke dealer, doesn’t like my date, and especially didn’t like him bringing new people to his “coke party.” The best part was when he called my date a “dip weasel” and invited me back–alone–for a few beers and poker.

Where’s The Eject Button?

January 11th, 2012

I chatted with a guy online for a few weeks, and we eventually decided to meet up. He picked me up in his truck, and drove more than 20 mph over the speed limit, tailgating everyone that got in our way, with me in the passenger seat holding on for dear life. After lunch, he told me he had a surprise for me, and took me to HIS MOTHER’S HOUSE. She was thrilled to have her son bring a girl home and seemed to know everything about me–apparently he had been telling her everything we had been talking about online for the past few weeks. I’m still not sure which part is worse: feeling like I would never leave his vehicle alive, or the look in his sweet mother’s eyes when she realized I had no intention of becoming her future daughter-in-law.