Bad dates are good material.

He showed up with a great idea: me, him, cheese and a bottle of wine at a park. One hour-long drive later we arrive and while he’s remembered the wine and fancy blanket, he’s forgotten the bottle opener. We have no chemistry (maybe the wine would’ve helped) so we leave. On the drive back, a cat darts in front of the car and we hit it. Then I get really upset because I have to CONVINCE him to stop and check on it.

When I arrived on time at the bar we agreed to meet at, the bartender informed me my date had already been there for 3 hours. To make conversation, I told my date that my hobby is running; he called me “a jackass.” I mentioned my favorite band; he said, “you’re an idiot” and gave me the finger. Okayyyy, great conversationalist. Not long into the date, he admitted that he was an alcoholic and repeatedly tried to grab me. I left to walk to my car and cringed as he walked into traffic, making cars swerve and honk at him as the rest of the bar watched in horror.

We’re trying something new today: a worst-case-scenario video date, via Funny or Die.
\"How to End A Date\"

He showed up half an hour late to pick me up for dinner, and then apologized for the smell of the car as he’d come “straight from the gym.” Once we picked a restaurant, he kept flirting with the waitress, like comparing notes with her on their mutually shaved arms (he said his was for swimming…sure). He actually even asked the waitress to join us and she pulled up a chair. I just sat there while they talked, feeling like I was the odd man out on their date.

We met online and arranged to meet at a bar. I waited for 30 minutes, only for him to show up drunk. Not tipsy, but dump-his-martini-all-over-me-in-the-first-five-minutes drunk. He then kept grabbing at me, and told me close to 40 times that he liked redheads, while petting my hair. When I went to leave, he proceeded to tell the bartender, the host, and anyone on the street–as I ran to catch a cab–that I was a bitch for bailing on him. Then several months later, I was out for my birthday with my sister (she’s also a redhead). She points out this guy who she’d briefly dated but ultimately turned out to be a jerk (I had heard the horror stories and never knew who the mystery idiot was) and of course it was the SAME GUY.

When I showed up for our date, he was reading a book of poetry–and decided to start reading to me aloud. After our drinks, we decided to walk down to a sidewalk sale to do some people watching. There he bought a frog hand puppet. For the rest of the date, every time he talked, it would be through the puppet. We stopped at a coffee shop and I ordered a drink. Then he held up his puppeted hand and in a squeaky frog voice told the barista, “I’d like one too please!”

This may have been shortest date ever. I picked the girl up at her house and as I pulled out of the driveway, she pulled out a cigarette. I’m not s smoker, so I said, “I prefer if you didn’t smoke in my car.” She took out her lighter and lit the cigarette anyway, so I pulled back in the driveway and and asked her to get out.

I went on a date with a guy I met online. We walked around the mall, where he proceeded to tell me how “lame” everything I liked was. Then we drove to dinner, and he made fun of how “lame” my car was. The date ended with us walking out of the parking lot and him saying, “That dinner was so good, I JUST WANT TO TAKE A DUMP SO I CAN EAT IT ALL OVER AGAIN.” Then he tried to kiss me–lame!

Last December, I took a girl out for drinks, and the bar had a small Christmas tree and some decorations up. (I happen to be Jewish, but can appreciate Christmas festivities.) I made a comment about how nice the bar looked with all the lights. She gave me a very skeptical look and said, “Wait…you’re Jewish, right?” Yes, I replied. “So you’ve never celebrated Christmas?” she said, somewhat aghast. Nope, never, I said. “You didn’t even have a TREE!!?!?” Nope, told her I never have. She shook her head and looked at me with deepest sympathy, touched my shoulder, and said, “Wow, that’s so awful. It must be terrible to be a Jew.” Guess she’s not converting.

I had dinner and great conversation with a man I met online. In front of my apartment, I thanked him again for treating me to dinner, and he asked if he could kiss me goodnight. I said yes and we had a hot first kiss. Then he paused to ask if I would be willing to urinate in a glass so he could drink it. I guess I’ll have to think about that–from the other side of my locked apartment door!