Awful First Dates

Feeling Mooney

tdomf_dd88b — Mon, 07 May 2012 14:29:16 +0000

After the date, he walked with me towards the train. We passed by a restaurant with a lovely little couple in the window eating their dinner when my date says “Hey, have you ever mooned anyone?” At this point, I was like I’M OUTTA HERE! and started briskly walking/jogging to the train. He proceeded to moon the couple, as if it was totally normal behavior, and then caught up to me. He was laughing like an unstable psycho. Before I could tell him to kindly get lost, he stood before me, and completely dropped trou. Just lettin’ it alllll hang out. In the dead of winter. In the middle of one of the most crowded areas of NYC. On a Friday night. All right there, presenting himself like a proud peacock. And so I ran. Fast. In heels through the snow. The next morning he texted me that he had a really amazing time and could not wait to see me again.

Falling for Her

tdomf_dd88b — Tue, 03 Apr 2012 20:13:37 +0000

He said he only had 10 dollars to spend, so we “would have to split a beer.” Then he wanted to slow dance but he kept stepping on my feet. When we went to sit back down, he missed the whole chair and fell down, and I knew he wasn’t drunk because he’d had HALF a beer.

Taco Hell

tdomf_dd88b — Fri, 16 Mar 2012 15:30:37 +0000

We walked almost four miles in 20-degree weather, searching for a Taco Bell he kept insisting was only another few blocks. For our 99-cent tacos, we went dutch. Also, he kept telling me how he was restraining himself from using his smartphone.

Needy Ned

tdomf_dd88b — Thu, 08 Mar 2012 18:17:08 +0000

I met him online and liked him, but I knew something was off when I heard his suggestions for our first date: sky driving, going away to the mountains for the weekend, going for a helicopter ride, etc. I suggested we grab a bite downtown. When he picked me up, I got into his car and all he said to me was, “So, your place or mine? We can go to mine but I think my Mom might still be up.” (He was 29.) I left early and he text me the next morning saying that I needed to “be more attentive to his needs.”

She’ll Be “Engaged” Next Week

tdomf_dd88b — Tue, 06 Mar 2012 16:48:12 +0000

I met this guy at a zombie event that my friend took me to, and he asked for my number I. Three days after we started talking, he asked me to the movies. He said it wasn’t a date and that we should both invite friends; I agreed. I ended up not being able to go. Yesterday, I went to another zombie party, and everyone there kept referring to me as his girlfriend! He’d told everyone we were exclusive.

His Greatest Role: Normal Guy

tdomf_dd88b — Mon, 05 Mar 2012 18:45:45 +0000

I met a guy who I had some mutual friends with, and he invited me over to his house, saying they were going to join us. At his place, he started going on about these crazy “adventures” that he’d been on that sounded like something out of an action movie. When I asked him what on earth he was talking about, he told me he was referring to things that his “character” had done in that “Vampire the Masquerade” role playing card game. Keep in mind the guy was 34 years old! He then went to his bedroom and came out with all these cards, t-shirts and costumes that he and his friends would wear while acting out the game. Not just role playing, but getting in capes with fake swords and the whole thing. I just sat there wondering when our friends would show up. He took his “collection” back into the bedroom, and when he returned to the living room, he was naked except for the cape! He then confessed that our friends were not coming at all and he’d lied to get me there. I grabbed my purse and jacket and ran for the door. He chased after me, cape flying out behind him, yelling, “Can’t we just hook up?! You came all the way over here, why not?! Please?!!?”

Late Because He’s Depressed?

tdomf_dd88b — Tue, 28 Feb 2012 18:37:17 +0000

He called at the time he was supposed to pick me up to say he would be late. An hour and a half later, he showed up, but by then we had missed the movie we were going to see. So he says he knows this great little restaurant, which turns out to be a dingy bar in the basement of a hotel. We ordered (bad) food that arrived on dirty plates, and while we were eating, he explained that he used to be on anti-depressants but that it gave him erectile dysfunction. (Depressed or impotent…way to sell yourself, dude.)

The Case of The Missing Tooth

tdomf_dd88b — Tue, 28 Feb 2012 18:34:47 +0000

I went out to dinner with a guy and we ordered spinach dip…he found a tooth in the dip (yes, a TOOTH). My date complained, of course, and the manager apologized continuously, then comp’d the meal and gave my date a gift card to use later as consolation. Me and the date get back in his car, and he starts laughing…and confesses it was his tooth that he put in the dip because he wanted to get the meal free!!! So many things wrong with that picture…ethically, sure, but also, why did he have a spare tooth lying around?

Hobo Hugh Grant

tdomf_dd88b — Mon, 27 Feb 2012 16:22:34 +0000

He was late. He didn’t look like his picture (he said his hair had longer, “kind of like Hugh Grant.” Yeah, if HG was a hobo who didn’t shower…). So far, so blah. First, we went to an awful, scary bar because they did “really cheap beers.” Then we had to leave there and go to a pub in a freezing cold train station because “it’s cheaper.” He had grey teeth and kept leaving to go for a cigarette, in between drinking from my drink. He asked what size shoe I wear, because apparently I have “really big feet for a girl.” He expressed disappointment that I wasn’t more “touchy feely” as I shrank into the corner of the sofa to avoid his cigarette breath. He compared me unfavorably to other dates (“I usually get more contact. You’re being unusual.”), boasted that his shoes cost two dollars and then told me he was about to lose his job because he’d taken too many sick days for the boils on his ass. BOILS! ASS! I left and he texted me about how uncomfortable I’d made him and how my future would not involve him. My response? “Ditto.”

Dating Isn’t Rocket Science

tdomf_dd88b — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 02:45:45 +0000

He was an astronautic engineer enrolled in a prestigious Doctoral program, but also a complete idiot. He would not shut up, and he spoke so fast it was like being on a date with an auctioneer. Also, he could not stop staring at my chest; he made virtually no eye contact with me. I finally got angry and blurted out, “Will you PLEASE stop staring at my boobs?” You will not believe how he responded: he actually got all pissy with me and said, “Well, men are visual creatures and your breasts are disproportionately larger than the rest of your body. So you really can’t get mad at me for staring at them.”