Biggest crust, biggest letdown

February 3rd, 2014

Out of the blue a guy I’ve had a massive crush on for years asked me out for dinner and movie. As a broke college student, this sounded pretty exciting since life for me is pretty much Hot Pockets and textbooks. When the day of our date finally arrived, I waited..and waited..and waited, but no word from him. He was nearly an hour late, so he suggested we skip the restaurant, though I was starving. At the theater, he all but pushes me out of the way to get in front of me in line so he can pay for his own ticket and leaves me to buy my own. Then in the movie, he keeps talking through all of the dialogue. He doesn’t want to get dinner afterward–he says he needs to drop me off now so he can go to a party and get drunk.

Not-So-Sly Sexter

November 29th, 2013

It was my first date ever, so I was really nervous. When the guy and I met up at the movies, he acted clearly uninterested in me, which was okay because I felt the same way. So I was looking forward to getting the date over with and never speaking to him again. Then about halfway through the movie, I received a text from him asking, “Will you give me a blowjob in the men’s bathroom?” I told him I wouldn’t be doing anything of the sort and we never spoke again.

Phantom Tollbooth…Er, ATM

November 4th, 2013

I met up with this guy I had been chatting with online, and after a beer it was clear there was no chemistry. He offered to pay, which I thought was nice, said he needed to get cash, and walked down the hallway to the ATM. I could see the corner of him standing there for a few minutes, then and he came back, paid, and we said goodbye. A few nights later I end up back at the same bar, out of cash, so figured I’d use the ATM. I walked over to where my date had stood and saw there was nothing there, so I asked the waiter about where they’d moved the ATM. He told me they’d never had one. I’ve heard of people who fake other things, but never getting cash out of an imaginary ATM, and I now have no idea what my date was doing.

Tip from The Top

September 29th, 2013

I went on a first date with a guy, and admitted I was not the best at math. He then proceeded to tell me how easy math was, and how he could clearly take my same classes, never show up to any of them, and still get better grades. He then asked me if I knew how to leave a tip; I told him I normally double the tax. He then spent 10 minutes showing me on a piece of paper how to find 15 percent, and was freaking out about the fact that by doubling the tax, I was in fact “overtipping by about 1.5 percent.” The horror! He wouldn’t let us pay the bill and leave until I showed him I could calculate the exact 15 percent tip.

General Hospital

September 20th, 2013

I met this guy online and agreed to meet up for dinner that night. A few hours later, he texts to tells me he is in the hospital and asks me to come visit him, but won’t explain why he’s there. I agree, thinking maybe he broke his leg or had a car accident on the way to dinner? When I arrive, I discover he’s there because he tried to kill himself when he found out his wife wanted a divorce! I’m feeling terribly awkward I trying to come up with an excuse to leave when his family arrives…and he tells them I’m his girlfriend. I left, and for months afterward he continued to text and call me while I ignored him.

Bed of Roses

September 10th, 2013

I set up a date with an internet guy who told me he played bass guitar in a band. When I showed up to the restaurant, the waiter was walking me to my table and I noticed a whole corner was cleared out just for me and my date. Apparently he had spread rose petals all over the floor, all the way up to my chair. The table was covered with rose petals as well. I sat there in shock, as the waiter assumed we were celebrating a special occasion, like an anniversary or that he was proposing…not a first date. I was speechless, and the guy says he wrote me a song. He got up, walked over to the corner where his guitar was sitting, and starting playing it and singing a song so loud that everyone in the restaurant looked at us. I got up, kicked the rose petals out of the way, and ran to my car.

High School, High Hopes

July 15th, 2013

I’m a senior in high school, and another senior  said he was going to pick me up for a nice dinner that night. I’m wearing a dress and heels, thinking it will be a classy affair. He comes over on his bike and tells me to ride on his pegs! So I hop on, extremely embarrassed, and we ride not to a restaurant…but to a gas station! He buys himself a Poptart and a beef jerky stick, and asks me what I’m buying for myself for dinner. Trying to be nice, I just went along with it, buy myself some a bottled iced tea and say I’m ready to go . He rides me home on his bike then grabs my boobs in my front yard! My dad was watering the garden, and was horrified.

New Kid on The Block

July 7th, 2013

On the day of our high school Halloween dance, and one of our friends asked out the new kid down the street, trying to be nice. At our group dinner, his manners were horrid: he ate over half the food that was supposed to be for the entire table, and made a huge mess. A few days after the dance, he acquired a few pictures of our friend from Facebook and sketched them every day until her family moved out of state! (CREEPY) Another one of our friends agreed to go on a date with him, still trying to be nice because he was the new kid. So he “picked her up” for the date in a cardboard box that he drew to look like a car, and the “date” was walking to his house to watch movies with his family.

International Creeper

July 1st, 2013

A foreign graduate student from my college came up to me on campus, started talking to me, and asked if I would like to go out to dinner the next night. When I arrived at six, he told me that he had already eaten dinner with his mother. I asked him why he came to the USA; he said, “I came over to find you.” He kept talking about me taking off my clothes and how we should go to his apartment. Then he mocked my religious and political views. Then he asked if I had ever done nude modeling and said that I should think about it. I was desperately trying to leave. He then asked me if my breasts were real. I awkwardly replied that they were. He said that “They’re very big. Very, very big.” I promptly said that I needed to be home in fifteen minutes and that I had to go. He leaned in for a kiss. I looked the other way. Now he keeps calling and texting me.

The Multi-Tasker

June 12th, 2013

He asked me on a date “to appreciate Parisian cuisine” and we pulled up to a a five-star European restaurant in the high-end district. When we walked inside, he led me down this empty corridor and around the bend to a conference room filled with elderly people speaking French. Up to this point, I was under the assumption we were going out to dinner–but he’d actually taken me to a conference, saying he needed the continuing education hours to keep his level of French active so he cancelled the dinner without telling me and brought me to this function instead. The lecture was about chicken incubators made from European technology.

We got back in the car, but he started going a different direction than the way we’d come from. I asked why he wasn’t taking me home and he said h e wanted to stop at the grocery store to do a little evening shopping before calling it a night. I asked him if his errands could wait but he insisted the stores would close soon and it had to be done right now, and I had to stand there for 15 minutes watching him reading all of the milk options. He finally selected one and put it in the cart. However, he missed the cart and dropped the gallon, where it exploded on my shoes, tights, and dress.

 

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