Bad dates are good material.

I’d known him for a few weeks, so was excited when he asked me out to a yoga class. But the whole time, he acted weird and awkward, so I asked, “Is something wrong?” He said, “I’m not interested in pursuing this relationship as long as you are living with your mother.” He, on the other hand, was currently living in his ‘76 VW Microbus, which was parked at a local hostel.

I met a girl at a birthday party and sparks flew, so I asked her out for a drink afterward. Halfway through the night, she asked me about “the status of our relationship.” I stammered that we were just having our first drink, and that we should perhaps not call it a relationship yet. When she heard that, she started shaking, crying, and screaming. She yelled that I’d wasted her time and stormed out. I asked for the check and was paying when she stormed back in,  swearing at me. I ignored her and walked out to my car–she followed me, and when I unlocked the doors, she jumped in and refused to get out, demanding to know why I wouldn’t date her. When I eventually got her out of the car, she called me repeatedly until 2am, begging me to sleep with her and asking why I didn’t love her when it was so obviously right. My favorite part was when, in the bar, she stopped mid-scream, adopted an air of exaggerated patience, and started miming taking something out of a bag and placing it on her head. I was completely flummoxed until she explained that she was “putting on her psychologist’s hat,” and suggested that I was being held back by fear. She was right…the fear that she’d break into my house and decapitate my pets!

I’d been talking to a man online for a couple months and agreed to have dinner with him. Turns out, instead of being in his early 30s as he’d claimed, he was clearly closer to 50. We had strained conversation over dinner, mainly talking about how he didn’t want to live with his mother anymore. As we walked out, he told me he wanted to show me his new wheels: a shiny, black conversion van, aka a kidnapper-mobile. He then asked if I wanted to go for a ride and opened the side door. Inside was a sex swing and handcuffs attached to the ceiling! I ran back inside the restaurant and had a waiter walk me to my car.

I was on a blind date with a high school football coach. I asked him what his career goals were and he said “I hope to retire in 10 years.” I’m thinking: that’s impressive on a public high school teacher’s salary. So I say, “That’s great you’ve been saving up to retire early. Good for you!” To which he replied, “Nah, my parents are old and THEY’VE got money. I’m just waiting for them to kick it so I inherit all that cash and don’t have to work anymore.”

I’m Jewish and he was from Germany (a fact my grandmother might hold against him, but I didn’t). That is, until he started ranting that “The Jews are responsible for all wars, the bad economy, everything bad.”

The dinner date was going well until he began to tell me about his “checklist.” He seemed very excited that I met many of his criteria, telling me quite earnestly that he wanted attractive, tall children and would do whatever it took to secure that. I’m 5′9”, and he said my height was a plus and he liked that I was slim. I tried to joke that he was making me sound like a brood mare, and he reached across the table, took my hand, and asked if, as the potential mother of his children, I would ever consider plastic surgery.

We met at the shoe store where he was a sales clerk. But during our first date, he informed me that actually his true calling was being a sculptor. I asked how he got into it, and he went into this monologue:

“When I was a kid, my class had to do reports, and one girl did hers about fairies. She said that at first she didn’t believe the fairies were real, but then she saw some in her grandmother’s backyard. But the teacher hated her report and said that fairies weren’t real. Her face fell, and in that moment I decided that I would MAKE her believe in fairies again. [At this point tears are welling up in his eyes] So I went home that afternoon, went into my backyard, and found some dead birds. I mean, they were already dead– I didn’t kill them myself or anything. And I took them inside and boiled off the skin, then used the bones to BUILD her a fairy!”

I’m not sure what he said after this, because after the boiling-dead-birds thing my mind was pretty occupied with planning my escape.

We were having a great time at cocktails so decided to stay for dinner. We ordered a nice bottle of wine and then his phone rang; he said he had to check in and would be back in five minutes. When he got back, I said, “Everything at work okay?” He corrected me–he was actually checking in to say goodnight to his 15 month old daughter and his wife. I considered storming out, or flipping the table…but I decided to order the lobster and the most expensive bottle of wine–and THEN walk out.

A friend wanted to set me up, so he gave my number to his friend…who left me 12 (!!!) voicemails in one day trying to arrange our date for that weekend.

I met a guy online and was so excited  for our meet-up that when I got to the restaurant parking lot, I accidentally locked my keys in my car while it was still running. And then I was so nervous I talked nonstop through dinner. But even though I pretty much ruined our first date, he still liked me–and we’re still together four years later.